In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helplessness

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Till on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

I know that everyone gains a testimony and feels the spirit in a different way, but for me it has always been through music.  Today as we were driving home from spending the day at our cabin, my nephew was tired and asked if we could listen to quite music instead of the loud music we were currently listening (and singing and dancing) to.  At this point, we were kind of limited.  We were up in the mountains so radio stations wouldn't work, I didn't have any church music on my phone, and Daniel only had one song.  We definitely weren't just going to sit in silence (obviously), so we turned on the one song we had and listened to it a few times before he fell asleep.

Now I'm not saying that listening to music other than church music is a bad thing (we were jamming to different songs the rest of the way home and still had a blast), but as we were listening to this song I realized how grateful I really am for the Atonement.  I went home and found the sheet music so I could read the lyrics again (and of course play it on the piano so I could sing it haha).  As I was reading over the lyrics, I realized how simple the Atonement is.  Jesus Christ gave His life for us, and because He gave his life, we can return to live with our Heavenly Father again.  You can sum it up in one sentence, but you can also go so much deeper because it really is so much more than that.

I am so grateful I have been blessed with the knowledge of the Atonement and this wonderful Gospel.  It gives me so much hope for my future.  Because of the Atonement, I know that everything will be ok, and there really isn't anything better than that.

(PS go look up the Owl City version of this song because it is amazing.)

Thanks Elder Holland

I go to BYU.  And there are a lot of great things about BYU.  But there are also a lot of frustrating things about BYU.  One thing in particular that drives me absolutely bonkers is a phrase that often comes up in classes.

"Those of you who have gone on a mission will understand this concept."

Because I hear this phrase at least once a week (usually more), it has brought another question into my head.

Am I a lesser person for not going on a mission?

In 2 months I will be 19 years old.  Growing up 19 didn't seem like a big deal.  I always thought I would be in college, maybe dating, definitely not married.  But then came the missionary age change.  All of the sudden 19 was a huge deal.

But I was still young.  In October 2012 I was only 15.  I had an eternity before I had to worry about going on a mission.  Except all of the sudden I blink and realize I am at the time where I could turn in my papers and have my mission call.

Here's the thing though... going on a mission has never felt right for me.  I love the Gospel more than anything else in the world and am so grateful it is part of my life, but a mission has never seemed in the cards for me. There have been times here and there when I found myself trying to convince me to go on a mission, but I just never felt good about it.

So I made my decision.  I wasn't going to go on a mission because I didn't feel like it was the right thing for me.  And that was that.

One slight problem though... everyone expected me to go on a mission.  And when I told people that I wasn't going to go on a mission, it wasn't an accepting response.  It was a "why wouldn't you?! There is no reason for you to not go on a mission."  Not going on a mission hasn't been an easy decision for me, but it is a personal decision I made with my Heavenly Father which I should not be judged for.

Slowly this feeling of judgement has turned into feelings of guilt.  What is wrong with me to not want to go on a mission?  Why can't I just feel like it is the right decision for me to go and do what everyone expects me to do?  Is Heavenly Father telling me to not go on a mission or I am making up this answer for myself?

Flash forward a good year, if not more.  These feelings of guilt have been constantly nagging at me and nothing seems to make me feel better about it.  They continue to get worse (especially during religion classes at school), and I feel worse and worse about myself.  Not the decision I made to not go on a mission, but myself and my inability to feel the desire to go on a mission.  The biggest worry?  Why would anyone want to marry me when they can go marry an awesome returned missionary.

But last night something amazing happened.  Elder Holland talked about sisters who don't go on missions and it felt like he was talking straight to me.  All of the sudden the guilt that had been building up inside of me started to go away.  I started envisioning President Monson pounding his hand on the table like Elder Holland described.  I started feeling like what I was doing in my life was not a bad thing.  I realized that I wasn't a terrible person for not going on a mission.  I realized that, in the words of Elder Holland, I was one of Heavenly Father's "little ones" and there is not reason for me to feel bad about myself.

My Heavenly Father knows me.  He loves me.  He accepts me for who I am.  I am grateful that He has placed leaders on this earth like President Monson and Elder Holland to guide us and give us the answers we need in life.  Maybe one day it will feel right for me to go on a mission.  Until then, I am grateful I have the opportunity to have the Gospel in my life and I know that their are bigger and better things ahead for me.

(Side note: First person to set me up with one of the guys from the first musical number will be my favorite person ever.  Not even a little bit kidding.)

Why Are Ye So Fearful?

Today during Relief Society we talked about trials and read Mark 4:40.  It says, "And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful?  How is it that ye have no faith?"  Followed by John 16:33 which says, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

I am one of those people who is constantly worried about something.  When I watched Inside Out for the first time, I realized that fear is probably the character mostly in charge of my emotions, with some sass thrown in there from disgust of course ;)  It has always been something that I feel has held me back in life, especially when it comes to putting myself out there and sharing things about me with other people.

That is one of the many reasons I kept my Alopecia secret for so long.  I didn't want anyone to know that I was losing my hair, and I especially didn't want anyone to see it.  I was in a constant state of fear.

Writing that original blog post about my Alopecia took a lot of courage.  It took me weeks after I had written it to finally hit the publish button, and even longer after that to share it on social media.  I was proud of myself, but I realized it wasn't enough.

See, I kinda lied a little bit in that post.  When I talked about how grateful I was that I still had enough hair to cover up my bald spots, that wasn't true, because I don't.  I decided to write that because I was too scared to tell everyone that because of my Alopecia I have to wear a wig.

I didn't want anyone to know I wear a wig because I was afraid.  I was afraid what everyone was going to think of me.  I was afraid I was going to be made fun of.  I was afraid I wouldn't be loved and accepted by those around me.  I was afraid of telling boys about the wig because I don't want it to scare them away from dating me.  I was afraid to tell anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed.

Today I realized that it is time for me to get rid of that fear because Heavenly Father knows me.  He knows my trials.  He knows what I am going through.  He knows why I am afraid.  He knows how to comfort me.  He knows how to help me grow.  He knows what I need.

So today, I am getting rid of one of my many fears.  I am putting my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because they know what is best for me and will guide and comfort me through whatever trials I have.  And someday, when I am resurrected, every single hair will be returned to my head and I will never have to worry about wearing a wig ever again.

 

(Bonus picture of a 2 year old trying on my wig because it's pretty much the cutest thing ever, minus the Utes logo of course)