I go to BYU. And there are a lot of great things about BYU. But there are also a lot of frustrating things about BYU. One thing in particular that drives me absolutely bonkers is a phrase that often comes up in classes.
"Those of you who have gone on a mission will understand this concept."
Because I hear this phrase at least once a week (usually more), it has brought another question into my head.
Am I a lesser person for not going on a mission?
In 2 months I will be 19 years old. Growing up 19 didn't seem like a big deal. I always thought I would be in college, maybe dating, definitely not married. But then came the missionary age change. All of the sudden 19 was a huge deal.
But I was still young. In October 2012 I was only 15. I had an eternity before I had to worry about going on a mission. Except all of the sudden I blink and realize I am at the time where I could turn in my papers and have my mission call.
Here's the thing though... going on a mission has never felt right for me. I love the Gospel more than anything else in the world and am so grateful it is part of my life, but a mission has never seemed in the cards for me. There have been times here and there when I found myself trying to convince me to go on a mission, but I just never felt good about it.
So I made my decision. I wasn't going to go on a mission because I didn't feel like it was the right thing for me. And that was that.
One slight problem though... everyone expected me to go on a mission. And when I told people that I wasn't going to go on a mission, it wasn't an accepting response. It was a "why wouldn't you?! There is no reason for you to not go on a mission." Not going on a mission hasn't been an easy decision for me, but it is a personal decision I made with my Heavenly Father which I should not be judged for.
Slowly this feeling of judgement has turned into feelings of guilt. What is wrong with me to not want to go on a mission? Why can't I just feel like it is the right decision for me to go and do what everyone expects me to do? Is Heavenly Father telling me to not go on a mission or I am making up this answer for myself?
Flash forward a good year, if not more. These feelings of guilt have been constantly nagging at me and nothing seems to make me feel better about it. They continue to get worse (especially during religion classes at school), and I feel worse and worse about myself. Not the decision I made to not go on a mission, but myself and my inability to feel the desire to go on a mission. The biggest worry? Why would anyone want to marry me when they can go marry an awesome returned missionary.
But last night something amazing happened. Elder Holland talked about sisters who don't go on missions and it felt like he was talking straight to me. All of the sudden the guilt that had been building up inside of me started to go away. I started envisioning President Monson pounding his hand on the table like Elder Holland described. I started feeling like what I was doing in my life was not a bad thing. I realized that I wasn't a terrible person for not going on a mission. I realized that, in the words of Elder Holland, I was one of Heavenly Father's "little ones" and there is not reason for me to feel bad about myself.
My Heavenly Father knows me. He loves me. He accepts me for who I am. I am grateful that He has placed leaders on this earth like President Monson and Elder Holland to guide us and give us the answers we need in life. Maybe one day it will feel right for me to go on a mission. Until then, I am grateful I have the opportunity to have the Gospel in my life and I know that their are bigger and better things ahead for me.
(Side note: First person to set me up with one of the guys from the first musical number will be my favorite person ever. Not even a little bit kidding.)
