In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helplessness

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Till on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

I know that everyone gains a testimony and feels the spirit in a different way, but for me it has always been through music.  Today as we were driving home from spending the day at our cabin, my nephew was tired and asked if we could listen to quite music instead of the loud music we were currently listening (and singing and dancing) to.  At this point, we were kind of limited.  We were up in the mountains so radio stations wouldn't work, I didn't have any church music on my phone, and Daniel only had one song.  We definitely weren't just going to sit in silence (obviously), so we turned on the one song we had and listened to it a few times before he fell asleep.

Now I'm not saying that listening to music other than church music is a bad thing (we were jamming to different songs the rest of the way home and still had a blast), but as we were listening to this song I realized how grateful I really am for the Atonement.  I went home and found the sheet music so I could read the lyrics again (and of course play it on the piano so I could sing it haha).  As I was reading over the lyrics, I realized how simple the Atonement is.  Jesus Christ gave His life for us, and because He gave his life, we can return to live with our Heavenly Father again.  You can sum it up in one sentence, but you can also go so much deeper because it really is so much more than that.

I am so grateful I have been blessed with the knowledge of the Atonement and this wonderful Gospel.  It gives me so much hope for my future.  Because of the Atonement, I know that everything will be ok, and there really isn't anything better than that.

(PS go look up the Owl City version of this song because it is amazing.)

Thanks Elder Holland

I go to BYU.  And there are a lot of great things about BYU.  But there are also a lot of frustrating things about BYU.  One thing in particular that drives me absolutely bonkers is a phrase that often comes up in classes.

"Those of you who have gone on a mission will understand this concept."

Because I hear this phrase at least once a week (usually more), it has brought another question into my head.

Am I a lesser person for not going on a mission?

In 2 months I will be 19 years old.  Growing up 19 didn't seem like a big deal.  I always thought I would be in college, maybe dating, definitely not married.  But then came the missionary age change.  All of the sudden 19 was a huge deal.

But I was still young.  In October 2012 I was only 15.  I had an eternity before I had to worry about going on a mission.  Except all of the sudden I blink and realize I am at the time where I could turn in my papers and have my mission call.

Here's the thing though... going on a mission has never felt right for me.  I love the Gospel more than anything else in the world and am so grateful it is part of my life, but a mission has never seemed in the cards for me. There have been times here and there when I found myself trying to convince me to go on a mission, but I just never felt good about it.

So I made my decision.  I wasn't going to go on a mission because I didn't feel like it was the right thing for me.  And that was that.

One slight problem though... everyone expected me to go on a mission.  And when I told people that I wasn't going to go on a mission, it wasn't an accepting response.  It was a "why wouldn't you?! There is no reason for you to not go on a mission."  Not going on a mission hasn't been an easy decision for me, but it is a personal decision I made with my Heavenly Father which I should not be judged for.

Slowly this feeling of judgement has turned into feelings of guilt.  What is wrong with me to not want to go on a mission?  Why can't I just feel like it is the right decision for me to go and do what everyone expects me to do?  Is Heavenly Father telling me to not go on a mission or I am making up this answer for myself?

Flash forward a good year, if not more.  These feelings of guilt have been constantly nagging at me and nothing seems to make me feel better about it.  They continue to get worse (especially during religion classes at school), and I feel worse and worse about myself.  Not the decision I made to not go on a mission, but myself and my inability to feel the desire to go on a mission.  The biggest worry?  Why would anyone want to marry me when they can go marry an awesome returned missionary.

But last night something amazing happened.  Elder Holland talked about sisters who don't go on missions and it felt like he was talking straight to me.  All of the sudden the guilt that had been building up inside of me started to go away.  I started envisioning President Monson pounding his hand on the table like Elder Holland described.  I started feeling like what I was doing in my life was not a bad thing.  I realized that I wasn't a terrible person for not going on a mission.  I realized that, in the words of Elder Holland, I was one of Heavenly Father's "little ones" and there is not reason for me to feel bad about myself.

My Heavenly Father knows me.  He loves me.  He accepts me for who I am.  I am grateful that He has placed leaders on this earth like President Monson and Elder Holland to guide us and give us the answers we need in life.  Maybe one day it will feel right for me to go on a mission.  Until then, I am grateful I have the opportunity to have the Gospel in my life and I know that their are bigger and better things ahead for me.

(Side note: First person to set me up with one of the guys from the first musical number will be my favorite person ever.  Not even a little bit kidding.)

Why Are Ye So Fearful?

Today during Relief Society we talked about trials and read Mark 4:40.  It says, "And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful?  How is it that ye have no faith?"  Followed by John 16:33 which says, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

I am one of those people who is constantly worried about something.  When I watched Inside Out for the first time, I realized that fear is probably the character mostly in charge of my emotions, with some sass thrown in there from disgust of course ;)  It has always been something that I feel has held me back in life, especially when it comes to putting myself out there and sharing things about me with other people.

That is one of the many reasons I kept my Alopecia secret for so long.  I didn't want anyone to know that I was losing my hair, and I especially didn't want anyone to see it.  I was in a constant state of fear.

Writing that original blog post about my Alopecia took a lot of courage.  It took me weeks after I had written it to finally hit the publish button, and even longer after that to share it on social media.  I was proud of myself, but I realized it wasn't enough.

See, I kinda lied a little bit in that post.  When I talked about how grateful I was that I still had enough hair to cover up my bald spots, that wasn't true, because I don't.  I decided to write that because I was too scared to tell everyone that because of my Alopecia I have to wear a wig.

I didn't want anyone to know I wear a wig because I was afraid.  I was afraid what everyone was going to think of me.  I was afraid I was going to be made fun of.  I was afraid I wouldn't be loved and accepted by those around me.  I was afraid of telling boys about the wig because I don't want it to scare them away from dating me.  I was afraid to tell anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed.

Today I realized that it is time for me to get rid of that fear because Heavenly Father knows me.  He knows my trials.  He knows what I am going through.  He knows why I am afraid.  He knows how to comfort me.  He knows how to help me grow.  He knows what I need.

So today, I am getting rid of one of my many fears.  I am putting my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because they know what is best for me and will guide and comfort me through whatever trials I have.  And someday, when I am resurrected, every single hair will be returned to my head and I will never have to worry about wearing a wig ever again.

 

(Bonus picture of a 2 year old trying on my wig because it's pretty much the cutest thing ever, minus the Utes logo of course) 

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I. Love. Christmas.  Like so much.  Like maybe a little too much? I might be obsessed.  It's fine.  My Christmas season usually starts before Halloween because 1 month of being able to play Christmas music on the piano is just not enough.  Or 2 months... or 3 months haha.  Anyway, the point is Christmas is seriously the best time of the year.

Around Christmas, everything is prettier.  Christmas lights are twinkling in the distance while snow is falling all around you, Christmas music is playing in the background, and everyone is happy.  Christmas is magical! 

Well... Christmas is usually magical.  Except sometimes we don't have snow.  And sometimes Christmas lights don't get put up on your house because your dad is too scared to do it (when I get married Christmas lights are going to be required... just sayin).  And sometimes your brother refuses to listen to Christmas music because he is sick of hearing the same songs over and over again.  And sometimes you can't focus on Christmas because work and school are consuming your life and the only reason you have time to write this is because you were let out of class early.  But ya know what?  I still love Christmas.

I still love Christmas because Christmas isn't about the snow, music, or lights.  Don't get me wrong... they make it so much better.  But Christmas only exists because something happened. Christmas only exists because our Savior was born. 

So next time you are discouraged because your favorite Christmas song is never played on the radio (cough cough Christmas Shoes), or the snow is turning gray and ugly instead of white and sparkly, or you can't figure out what present you want to give to someone, stop and think about the true meaning of Christmas.  Because "maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.  Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more..."

Merry Christmas everyone <3

My Biggest Trial

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit...  I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith.  He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way.  They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father.  They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will." - Richard G. Scott

Apparently Heavenly Father has wanted me to grow a lot the past couple of years.  While I tend to disagree (who doesn't haha), I have felt His love and guidance as I have been trying to work through the trials I have been given.  My Heavenly Father loves me, and that is becoming more and more apparent to me every single day.

While I have had many opportunities for growth in the past couple of years, the biggest trial in my life started Thanksgiving Day 3 years ago.  

It's a super long story that I might tell one day, but this is still a very tender thing for me so we are going to keep it to a minimum.  Long story short I was diagnosed with Alopecia Areata. If you want to know more about it, I would be happy to talk with you.  Or to be completely honest Google probably knows more than I do haha.

Being a teenage girl is hard enough, so when I started losing my hair on top of it, it was rough.  I was confused and frustrated.  My confidence plummeted, and it was getting harder for me to be the sassy and happy girl I have always been.  It was miserable, but there was always something that kept me going.

I honestly didn't figure out what that thing was until recently.  I read the quote by Richard G. Scott and had 2 realizations.  1.  Heavenly Father had given me this trial for a reason, and it wasn't because I was doing something wrong, and 2. Heavenly Father has given me the strength to overcome this trial.  

At one point, I felt helpless.  None of the treatments were working.  I was still losing ridiculous amounts of hair and whatever regrowth that was there fell out within a few weeks of it starting to grow.  I was beyond the point of frustrated and my anger was being taken out on the one who loves me more than anyone else - my Heavenly Father.  I wanted to get better.  I wanted to understand why this was happening.  I just wanted to be me again.

A little while ago I decided I needed to stop being angry.  I tried to be positive about the situation, even though it was so much easier for me to be frustrated and annoyed.  And just like that, my prayers were answered.  I realized that "me" never left because hair never has and never will define me.  

That was a huge turning point for me.  I accepted the fact that right now, my hair isn't going to grow back.  I stopped searching for weird cures that I knew wouldn't work.  I stopped being frustrated with the doctors who told me to stop worrying about it because it was just a "cosmetic issue" (not true btw so you should definitely never tell me that.  Ok maybe I'm still a little frustrated with them haha).  More than anything, I stopped being angry at my Heavenly Father.

Instead, I made the decision to be grateful.  I am grateful that I still have the hair I have.  I am grateful I have been able to figure out ways to cover up the spots.  I am grateful for a ridiculously supportive family who is always willing to listen when I am having a rough day.  I am grateful for this trial because it has given me another opportunity to grow.  I am grateful to know that if I am ever having a rough day, I can always turn to my Heavenly Father because He loves me and will always be there to support me when I need it.  

I don't know if my hair will ever grow back, but I do know that I have become a better person because of this trial.  If I have learned anything from this trial, it is that I always have someone to turn to if I need help, which is something that I will always be grateful for. 

Birthday Party Fiasco

Today, I hosted 2 birthday parties at work.  They both had about the same number of people, with an equal ratio of adults and children, and the birthday kids were both 5 years old.  The only real difference was that one party was for a boy and one was for a girl.

We went and greeted the first party and brought them to the party room.  Immediately all of the adults sat against the wall and acted like their children didn't exist.  They wouldn't be a part of the activities, but were frustrated us when we didn't do the activities they wanted us to (even though they gave us zero direction on what they wanted).  Then, while paying for their party, they tried to get a discount because they weren't happy with all we did for them.

When it was time to greet the second party, I was worried it was going to be a similar experience to what happened during the first party.  Boy was I wrong.  This family was amazing.  They all took care of their children, and participated in the activities.  They were so excited to see all of the activities we had planned and wanted to help in any way they could.  If they wanted to do a certain activity, they told us and if possible we did it.  At the end of the party, while walking up to the front desk, they thanked us the entire time.  It was a complete turn around from the first party, and we all had so much fun.

Parents, play with your kids.  Strangers can only do so much.  I realize I am not a parent, but coming from someone who works with kids every day, the kids (and parents) always have a better experience when everyone is involved.

Alright, rant over.  Now I am just going to forget everything that happened at the first birthday party, and remember how much fun the second one was.  Also, I still have the greatest job ever.

Families are the Greatest

Last night I was supposed to study for a test I was going to take today.  That didn't happen, and honestly, I'm not even a little upset about it.  I managed to get the day off from work yesterday (miracles people), so the plan was to work on homework all day and go to bed early.

Well, that plan came to a screeching halt when the first little pitter patter came running through the door accompanied by "Meggy! Meggy!"  Obviously I couldn't ignore a 2 year old who came in the door saying my name!  So I played with her and her sister for about an hour before another pitter patter came running through the door.  Jayden came and started playing with us and we all had dinner together.  

After dinner, I started playing with these touchable bubble things we have.  Guys, they are seriously so fun! It was pretty easy to blow them up for 2, sometimes 3 depending on attention level, little kids.  But then the little pitter patter came running in the door again.  All of the nieces and nephews over at once?!  Ya right I'm actually going to do homework.  I was definitely the favorite, until I popped one of the bubbles while I was blowing it up of course. 

Once all of the kids had gone home, I realized homework wasn't going to happen.  So what did I do?  Played the piano and watched the new episode of Grey's Anatomy.  So, the test taking didn't happen today.  It will on Monday, accompanied with a $5 late test fee.  Should I care about that?  Probably.  Do I?  Not at all.  Because I love my family, and seeing them makes my day so much better.  They will always be there to support and love me, and I know that if I ever need anything from any of them they will gladly drop what they are doing to come help me.  Families are forever, and I definitely couldn't be any more grateful for that.

(First of all, Shawn's face is the cutest thing to ever exist.  Second, considering the fact we are missing 4 children we should probably get new family pictures Mom). ;)